When my husband Jake presented me a calendar to “help me become a better wife,” I was taken aback. Rather than lose my temper, I chose to comply, understanding that Jake was going to get important insight into marriage.
I’ve always been the calm one in our relationship, but Jake always seems to get sucked into things, whether it’s a new pastime or a YouTube video that promises to make all the changes in his life happen in three easy steps. Before Jake met Steve, everything was good.
Steve was the type of guy who believed that being vocal equated to being correct. Despite being unattached, he would give unwanted dating advise and bully anyone who tried to contradict him. To my amazement, Jake started repeating Steve’s harmful beliefs after growing charmed with his self-assurance.
I wasn’t concerned at first. However, Jake’s remarks soon became hurtful. “No matter how long they’ve been married, Steve believes women should always look good for their husbands,” or “Steve says marriages work best when the wife takes charge of the household.”
I would dismiss it with a wry smile, but it really bothered me. Jake was evolving. He would sigh at me when I didn’t get around to doing the laundry because, you know, I have a full-time job, or roll his eyes if I ordered takeout rather than cooking.
Jake then sat me down with “The List” one evening.
He slipped a piece of paper across the table and spoke in a tone I had never heard before. He responded, “You’re a great wife, Lisa, but there’s room for improvement,” not realizing the risk he was taking.
“Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife” was the piece I glanced at. My every move was dictated by a meticulous timetable that stemmed from Steve’s erroneous notions of what a wife “should” accomplish.
This list said that every day at 5 a.m., I had to make Jake a fancy breakfast, go to the gym, clean, do laundry, and prepare supper. All of this was to happen before or after my full-time job. It was offensive, sexist, and just ridiculous. But I grinned instead of losing my cool.
“You’re correct, Jake,” I remarked kindly. “I’ll get going tomorrow.”
A look of relief crossed his face. He was clueless about what was ahead.
I sat down at my laptop the following morning and made my own list, which I called “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” I took his schedule and added a few things here and there. A personal trainer for ongoing fitness? That amounts to $1,200. Do you want me to cook like an expert chef? Our monthly shopping bill has increased to $700, and Jake may need to enroll in a culinary class as well.
And then the real deal. I would have to resign from my work if I was going to devote my life to being a “perfect wife.” I then wrote, “$75,000 to replace Lisa’s income since she’ll now be your full-time maid, chef, and personal assistant,” next to my yearly pay.
As I considered Jake’s response, I found it difficult to hold back my laughing. The last bit? A $50,000 bill for constructing a separate “man cave” for him, in order to prevent his friends from interfering with my newly organized life.
Jake was feeling very good when he got home that evening—until he saw the list.
He was perplexed and questioned, “What’s this?”
I lied and said, “Oh, just a little guide I made for you to help you become the best husband ever.”
His smile vanished as he skimmed the first few words. He was struck deeply by the ridiculousness, the demands, and the numbers. “A personal trainer for $1,200? $700 for groceries a month? And, wait, you’re leaving your position?
I leaned on the counter with my arms crossed. “How else am I meant to adhere to your plan? I take it you desired structure?
It finally dawned on him. His arrogance disappeared and was replaced by fear. “It wasn’t how I intended it to be. Although Steve made it seem plausible, I now realize how absurd it is.
I gave a nod. That’s right. One person being “better” than the other is not the goal of marriage. Respect for one another is key. You will have to pay far more than what is written on that page if you attempt to “improve” me in this manner ever again.
Jake breathed deeply as his expression softened. “Lisa, I apologize. I overreacted. You’re correct—Steve gave bad advise.
I felt like we were back on the same team for the first time in weeks as we tore through both lists together. Our entire experience served as a reminder that improving as a couple is more important to a healthy marriage than striving for perfection.
