Knowing what to say or do when you find out your boyfriend has cheated on you can be complicated and disorienting. Knowing what to expect when you face your partner is useful, especially because there are a few things that cheats frequently say when they are discovered. Knowing what to anticipate will assist you in making the best choice for yourself and in seeing any warning signs that someone might be deceiving you or attempting to influence you.
Relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, LCSW tells Bustle that cheaters frequently employ justifications to lessen the harm to themselves. Sadly, they aren’t initially motivated to ease their spouses’ suffering. They had no regard for their partner’s reaction when they decided to cheat in order to satisfy their own wants.
There are numerous ways that cheaters may respond when confronted with their guilt after being discovered. Many people who are caught later on dismiss or refute the accusations because they don’t want to end their primary relationship, according to Milrad. Others are driven to manipulate their partner in order to maintain their connection and stay with the other person.
Some partners could express regret and genuinely desire to be absolved of their error. But initially, according to specialists, many people have a tendency to become defensive about their behavior. Here are seven typical things that cheats say after being discovered.
1
“It Had no significance”
When found cheating, a person can claim that their actions were meaningless in an effort to halt the inquisition. According to Milrad, “the cheater acknowledges the act but downplays it by assuring their partner that they have no emotional connection to this person.” In essence, they think that by implying that they are still loyal to and the only person they want for themselves, their partner won’t feel awful and won’t need to bring up the occurrence anymore. If you and your partner determine it was a mistake that you can move past, it’s crucial to talk about how to build trust. Your spouse might really mean it.
2 “I Did It Only Because We Don’t Have Enough Sex”
This justification is an effort to escape accountability for their deeds. According to Milrad, this behavior “tries to make the betrayed partner feel partially responsible for driving them into this behavior.” This works especially well if the pair has struggled with conflicting sexual impulses or infrequent sex. Do not, however, think that you are to fault if your partner behaves in this way. Relationship problems are a two-way street, and it’s not your fault if they handled it in a certain way.
3 “Nothing Is Going On — You’re Just Insecure”
Some people utilize the manipulation technique known as gaslighting, which involves making someone doubt their own knowledge, memory, or sense of reality in order to gain the upper hand. This could entail downplaying the conduct and placing all the responsibility on the betrayed partner when someone is caught cheating. According to Milrad, the cheater “causes the partner to feel bad about themselves by making them doubt themselves and what they have learned or sensed.” “This type of denial harms the partner the most,” If you start to notice gaslighting, which is a type of abuse, this relationship could no longer be a safe place for you.
Four, “It Never Got Physical”
There are many different kinds of affairs, and not all of them have to do with physical contact. According to Jim Seibold, PhD LMFT, “what makes them affairs is the secrecy with which the relationship is conducted.” “Emotional infidelity is likely to take the form of spending time with someone that your partner is unaware of while lying about how you are spending your time.” By focusing on how non-physical the relationship is, one is merely downplaying the reality that there was lying done.
Five “It Was Just Sex”
Even if your partner insists that the affair was only physical, this does not lessen the hurt. According to Seibold, “people say this because they realize how damaging an emotional connection with someone else is to their relationship. “They are making an effort to lessen their partner’s suffering. Sex has a significant role in a committed relationship, which is the difficulty. Usually, there is something that distinguishes a devoted connection from our other friendships. It is a serious breach of trust when someone chooses to have sex with someone else in a relationship.
“I Was Unhappy In The Relationship” reached number six.
This is something people say to allay their own guilt. Even though it might be accurate, cheating is not the answer. “It’s a little disingenuous for someone to cheat and put it down to a bad relationship,” Seibold adds. Work to repair it, or the relationship will end.
“It Will Never Happen Again”
Cheaters use this tactic to persuade their partner that the present act of cheating is an isolated incident rather than a habit. According to licensed psychotherapist Jonathan Bennett to Bustle, “the hope is that the partner will not think of the cheating as a character flaw, but just an unfortunate mistake.” Of fact, studies have shown that cheating is more likely to occur again after the first time. However, there is also a chance that your partner is telling the truth. People cheat for a variety of reasons, and it could simply just be a single error. If you decide to forgive your partner for cheating, talk with them about how you might regain trust in your relationship after finding out what motivated them to do it.
Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship, but if your partner behaves selfishly after they realize their error, either by downplaying it or placing the blame on you, it may be time to consider whether you are still in a healthy relationship with them.
